What Actually Helps
A guy's fix-it guide to menopause
I know you want to fix this. Good. Let's talk about what fixing actually looks like.
Something has changed and you really want to fix it.
Even if you can't figure out exactly when things started to change, from where you're sitting now you can feel it. It's little things, like her getting more annoyed than usual. And it's big things, like her pulling away when you reach out to touch her.
Now you may not know what is going on with her, but the reality is, she may not fully know either.
What you do know is that this person you love is changing and seems to be struggling, and you want to help but you don't know how.
And maybe you can feel these changes starting to settle in between the two of you, and you are not a fan. It's in the edges that feel sharper. In the distance that feels like it's growing. In the way things land differently than they used to. And you would do anything to make it stop.
So let's start here. You want to fix this because you love her. The real question is what needs fixing, and what you can do that helps.
She may not know either
The honest truth is her body is going through a big change, and a lot of it is out of her hands. Some days she feels fine. Some days she doesn't recognize herself. She can't tell you which day it's going to be, and neither can you, and that not-knowing is hard on her in a way that's tough to watch.
You don't need to become an expert, but knowing is a powerful tool you can use to better understand what she may be experiencing. That will happen here.
What's even more important for you to know is that she isn't choosing this, and she probably feels like she has no control over it. She's trying to push through it, trying not to be a burden, doing everything she can to just keep going, and in spite of all that effort to save everyone around her from suffering, you KNOW this isn't working.
This is the part you can fix
You can't fix her body. You can't cool the heat or give back the hormones or make the hard days show up on a schedule. That was never the job anyway.
What you can do is take one thing off her plate, the job of making sure none of this lands on you. She's been carrying that alongside everything else, and it's costing her. So you be the person she doesn't have to keep it together for. The one she can have a bad day in front of without it turning into a thing.
That's not the backup plan for when you can't fix the real problem. It is the real problem. And you're the only one who can do it. Her doctor can't, her girlfriends can't, I can't. Just you, at home, starting this week.
What you can actually do
Most of what you see online is meant to be funny. Stop breathing. Don't talk out loud. Chew silently. Be present, as long as you're not actually in the room. And it gets a laugh, but at some point all of it stops being funny.
There's a lot you won't be able to fix, like her biology and the dialogue running in her own head. But there's plenty you can.
- 01 You can fix the pressure she feels trying to hold her shit together all the time, by learning how to ask the questions that get at what's really going on with her.
- 02 You can fix the mental load that weighs on every waking hour, by deciding together what she's allowed to just put down.
- 03 You can fix the isolation that hits when her symptoms flare, by knowing enough about what those look like to recognize them before she has to explain.
- 04 You can fix the odds that she gets dismissed or gaslit at the doctor, by going with her and speaking up when she isn't being heard.
- 05 You can fix the exhaustion of not knowing, by doing some of the research yourself and finding her a care expert she could call today.
You need a shared language
What's often missing is a shared language. Neither of you has time to read a dissertation on menopause and every way it touches a woman's life. But even the beginnings of a shared understanding can help.
She can't always explain what she's feeling. So if you're talking to her and notice her completely shutting down, or more realistically, looking deeply annoyed that your lips are moving and sounds are coming out, it isn't because what you're saying doesn't matter. It's likely because she was awake from 3 to 5am, she's exhausted, and her brain is in a hormonal shitstorm where she either can't process the words or is so flooded that any sound makes her feel like she's losing it.
A shared language gives both of you a way through that. Like this:
I don't know why I want to throat punch you when you ask where the mustard is, and I hate myself when I snap at you for asking.
I don't feel safe bringing up weekend plans because there's a decent chance you'll get mad at me for having friends, and even though I know that's not what you mean, it's hard to know how to even bring stuff up.
Two moments, finally make-sense-able from both sides. There are a lot of these, and they're the difference between feeling like you're at war and feeling like you're on the same team. That's what we're building next.
Pick one thing
If that list of fixes made you want to do all of them tonight, don't. Pick the one that made you think "yeah, that's us." That's enough.
And if you want the rest of that shared language, the real translations for the moments that keep tripping you both up, that's what I'll send you. It's free, it's quick, and it might be the most useful thing you read all week.
When you're ready for the bigger one: the single highest-leverage thing you can do is help her walk into her next doctor's appointment ready. Most women get a few rushed minutes with someone who may have had almost no training in this, and walk out with no plan. Walk-In Ready changes how that goes.
That's it. No stack to buy, no catch. Just understanding what she's in, and learning to talk about it together. You reading this far is where it starts.
Glad you're one of the ones who cares enough to read this.
— Sara